@darius i guess you could also eat a fish or crab?

@darius best i could ever do is a "beached body" according to my doctor.

@darius i need more specific instructions. how much salt do i need to consume?

@darius i think that's painting an unrealistic body expectation. earth is 70% water and only like 1% sand and i think that's fine for us too. strive to be covered in soils and plants instead

@darius 1) be me 2) QED

@darius Misread instructions, replaced 30% with salt, now nobody wants to play UNO with me anymore. 3/10.

@darius thought sand was a typo. Rolled around in the snow, and didn’t get a beach body. Directions still unclear.

@darius 😂

@darius So when they say "pound sand" they mean chug it?

@darius Silly me. I thought having a beach body would involve a kidnapping

@darius And for extra realism, shriek like a seagull at random intervals.

@darius I've done the science on this. It checks out.

@darius if I put myself in the freezer I'm ready for winter too.

@darius lol

@darius no man is an island, but you could become 20-30% island

@darius 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

@darius
you also need to place a heart-shaped locket underneath your ribs...

@darius I'm male, pregnant and 40 does that matter?

@darius finally a twitter quality insight

@darius or: 1. Have a body, 2. Go to the beach