Today at Urgent Care:

My Wife: Can you give me a flu test?
UC Doc: You have a respiratory infection, it's not the flu.
W: How do you know?
D: The season's over, we haven't seen a case in 5 weeks.
W: My husband was traveling, and he's sick.
D: It's over everywhere.
W: Please?
D: Sure, but it's going to be negative.

*3 minutes later*

D: Well, I owe you an apology, and should probably offer you a job. We've never seen a flu test turn positive that quickly. I'm calling in Tamiflu for you.